I hate it

So I've been thinking.

This has always bothered me, no matter what, or who I was around, but theres not much I can really do about it. I find myself to be friends with the outgoing, charismatic, kind and overly wonderful people of my age, but with quirks. I always thought, "I'm friends with the quiet, shy, nerdy and not outgoing people AT ALL.", but if I really think about it, most of my very good friends are all extremely nice, very giving, kind, and just beautiful people. I'm the complete opposite. 

I am someone, who gives out affection rather sparingly. 

I find myself wondering if I acted respectfully around my friend's family, if they thought I was okay, and I'm almost always awkward for the first couple of times. I'm sure you think, "well, that's completely normal!", but it really bothers me. I am a complete perfectionist. I have to get rank S on all of my favorite game levels, I have to perfect the stance of that character I was drawing a minute ago, I have to get the recipe just right. It's the same with people. I really care what my friends think. Some people say that it's your friends that you shouldn't have to care about, but for me it's the opposite. Of course I care what other people think of me, image wise, but when it comes down to how I act, my friends count the most. I feel horrible if I cut them off. I feel bad about saying something that may lead to them or someone else around me feeling slightly put off. 

For a slight example: If I was staying at a friend's house, or whatnot, and two of my friends start arguing about something that may include me, even though it has nothing to do with me in the first place, I feel completely responsible. I may just even wander off, and blame myself for that whole incident. I mean sure, I feel that way a lot, and by even writing this I feel responsible for anything even slightly awkward... (that I still keep in memory, which I really shouldn't.... :T) but most of the time it really isn't my problem. 

I am continuesly blaming myself for things I feel that I should have corrected, or stepped in, or just apologized for, minor or major problem. Maybe, by writing this, I can get some of this off of my chest, and stop carrying the weight for a while. 

On another note, (or not-so-much-another-note, but more the same one.) I feel the same way with relationships. This is slightly awkward to admit, but on a blog, where really, none of my friends or people that I see every day read, what's the worst that could happen? I have never actually been in a relationship, or rather, never allowed myself to be in one. I always feel as though, I am the threat to the person I am attracted to. I might mess up something! I might lose their friendship! I might be intruding and be completely unwanted. I always am the last one on my list when it comes to those types of things. Yet I so wish that I would find someone. I always tell myself, "wait until college!" and it's not all that far away, but even then, I'll probably feel the same. 

I have the stupid, typical, selfish, shy problem: I want the person to come to me. 

I'm often the one reaching out my hand when it comes to friends, but with some exceptions. I only choose the people my intuition moves me too. I don't think I've actually have a "bad" friend. Most all of my friends I've ever met, are still my friends, and are the same wonderful people they were 5 years ago. I don't take risks. If it means that I might be in an awkward situation, or mess something up, I don't tell the person. I just wait... and observe. 

It's stupid. I haven't ever told a person I like them. I've never told them I might possibly have more serious feelings. I am almost always feeling that. I know so many wonderful people, but I can't make the stretch to tell them. Even if they're right in front of me. 

•Cranberry•